MAN, I fucking hate telesales.

Why is it that they always call just as your sitting down to a meal or about to watch holyoa.....top gear, or something masculine on T.V?
Being a homeowner seems to open you up to the evils of loans, double glazing, new kitchens, pissing cat-flaps, etc.
However, I have started getting wise to these guys!

-Firstly, I must point out that if any of our readers or bloggers work in telesales then it's nothing personal but you can keep your bastard new mobile phone to yourselves.

So my first method of getting rid of these guys was the "loose connection". It goes a little something like this:

Horse : (picks up the phone) "hello"...
Asian dude : "hello, am I speaking to Mr Horse?"...
Horse : ......."hello?"
Asian dude : "hello? Is this Mr Horse?"...
Horse : "......hellloooooo?.........hellllllooooo"
Asian dude : "Can you hear me?"
Horse : (away from phone but in close proximity of the mouthpiece) "It's that pervert caller again, sweetheart. Quick, put the call tracking on"

And this is when THEY usually hang up on YOU!

Horse - 1
Telesales - 0

My second method (which I like to use when money is involved) is the "Horsey-no-stars" option. This is so called after "jonny-no-stars" from McDonalds who has no stars on his name badge because he can't write his own name yet. Basically, I come across as thick-as-a-pig-shit!

Horse : "hello?"
Asian woman : "hello, I am calling from rama-loans direct, can I take 2 minutes to discuss your finances?"
Horse : "errr...sure, why not?"
Asian woman : "ok, firstly, do you have a credit card?"
Horse : "err...I don't know. Is that the blue one?"
Asian woman : ?......"I don't know. Is it a credit card"
Horse : "err...yeah sure"
Asian woman : "o.k, that is good. Do you know what your credit limit is?"
Horse : "yeah, it's 4547...err....billion pounds"
Asian woman : "BILLION?"
Horse : "billion, yeah. That's what it says on the front of the card."
Asian woman : "No, that is the card number"
Horse : "It's not, i've only got 3 cards and one of them is a library card"
Asian woman : "Do you not know how much money you can use off your credit card"
Horse : "err....no. My partner deals with all the money things because she's got 2 GCSEs. She'll be home at half 6 if you want to talk to her"
Asian woman : "O.k I'll call back at half 6. Thank you"
Horse : "Thank you".

Step 2 of this method is very simple....just ignore the phone at half 6!

Horse - 2
Telesales - 0

Now my 3rd method, which I only discovered last week is "Get Personal". An asian lady phoned from my mobile phone provider offering me a free wireless router in exchange for signing up to their broadband package for 6 months....at £15 a month with limited downloads...GET FUCKED!!
It went like this...

Asian Lady : "Mr Horse, because you are a valued customer we can offer you.. (goes on to big up this offer for about 6 minutes)...shall I go right ahead and sign you up?"
Horse : "No, thank you. I already have broadband with another provider and it is much cheaper than your offer."
Asian Lady : "But do you have a wireless router so you can use your internet around the house?"
Horse : "Yes, infact I have a dongle shoved in my back end at all times and the outcome is very pleasing indeed"
Asian Lady : ......(silence)......can you go anywhere in the house with your computer with no leads then?
Horse : "Yes, infact most nights I lie in the bath, naked, playing poker with some Germans"
Asian Lady : (Suddenly hurried) "Well then that will be all, thank you for you time Mr Horse"

Horse - 3
Telesales - 0

Play them at their own game, guys. Once they feel uncomfortable it becomes YOUR phone call!

Ha!

Keep answering that phone, peeps.

Horse.

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