Jade Goody : The Musical
I left the whole Jade Goody cancer thing alone, as I see did all our other writers. I'm actually quite shocked by this, especially the restraint Horse must have shown as I'm pretty sure he printed off Nato Forms and sent them to her house with his condolences but the announcement of a Jade Goody musical tribute to her life is a step to far.
Seriously, apart from being a racist, stupid, childish bully, what has she ever contributed to society worthy of her tribute in music? After reading her Wikipedia page, I have scripted the following tale which the creators of said musical can have for free, just as long as you mention OhFFS in the credits...
JADE GOODY - THE MUSICAL
ALL CHARACTERS, SCENES, DESCRIPTIONS AND REFERENCES ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL AND BARE NO RESEMBLANCE TO ACTIVITIES IN REAL LIFE. THIS MUSICAL IS FOR A PURELY ENTERTAINMENT (AND CASH) BASIS
[SCENE 1]
Big Brother House
Jade and fellow housemates are discussing where they are from
Spencer : Well I was born in Cambridge...
Jade : *interrupting* Vats in London, init??
Spencer : No Jade, its in East Anglia, you thick fuck...
Jade : East Angular... *snarf snarf* is vat near Spain or sumfink?!
Spencer : *face palms* No.... *brief pause*.... Cunt...
SONG : Jade is a Thick Cunt
[SCENE 2]
Big Brother House
Jade : Wow... tastes like candy!
PJ : Shut the fuck up you thick bint and choke it down...
Jade : *muffled* o....k...*muffled*
SONG : She Loves the Cock
The scene fades. Jade is evicted and thanks to the morons of Britain thinking they can relate to her, she is offered a job as a writer (sic) for Heat magazine
[SCENE 3]
Heat Magazine Offices
Jade is busy pretending to work, furiously ctrl-tabbing between "research" and the BNP forums
Jade : Ok so Ive finished ma article... wat u finks?
Editor : ...but it is just three pages of the words "Jade hates brown people".... we can't publish this! *begins ripping up the document*
Jade : Ahhh... vats ma best work ya big fuck bag!
Editor : Do you want us to get one of our juniors to write you something and you can sign it with a big crayon again?
Jade: Yay!
SONG : She wrote dat shit herself cos Heat ain't no Cheat, girlfriend!
[SCENE 4]
Royal London Hospital
Jade attempts the London Marathon but due to a training regime of binge drinking and late night take aways, Jade collapses after 21 miles, much to the delight and merth of those watching.
Doctor : Jade... Jade..... JADE.. *slaps in face*... can you hear me?
Jade : Where is I?
Doctor : You're in the hospital, Jade. You were running a marathon and collapsed after 21 miles. Unfortunately for you the people who sponsored you knew you're a fat, lazy waste of oxygen and only sponsored you to COMPLETE the race. You raised £550 for the NSPCC, and all that is that money YOU put down...
Jade : FFFFUUUUUUUU...........
SONG : Good for nothin' Skank
The cardic support machine bleeps into action as Jade collapses and the doctors pile in to attempt resuscitation. Unfortunately for the British public, she lives...
[SCENE 5]
Celebrity (Sic) Big Brother 5
The scene begins amidst a heated argument between Jade and Shilpa Shetta, an Indian Bollywood star the show purposefully put in just to ruffle Jades feathers
Shilpa : Dirka dirka dirka dirka dirka dirka
Jade : I can't understand you Shilpa, speak England!
Shilpa : Dirka
dirka dirka dirka dirka dirka dirka dirka....
Jade : Seriously, can any one understand this popadom munching, immigrant fuck..?!
Shilpa : DIRKA DIRKA DIRKA DIRKA DIRKA!!!!!
SONG :The Dirka Song
The fade draws to an angry scene from the Middle East of Asians burning United Kingdom flags and generally being pissed off. Jade is removed from the house by her BNP brothers and rushed to safety.
[SCENE 6]
Bigg Boss (Indian Big Brother)
In an attempt to appease Jades need to racially abuse other Nations of people with non-white skin, her agent Max gets her £100,000 to be given the opportunity to use the P word on live Indian TV.
Unfortunately for Jade, after two days she is called to the diary room after complaining earlier about "an itchy chuff".
Big Brother : Dirka dirka dirka dirka dirka dirka dirka dirka
Jade : Seriously, for fucks sake Big Bruva, I can't understand any of you curry munchers.. wheres dat nice Irish man..??
Big Brother : How eye pet, dis is Big Brother.. an' I'm Geordie ya thick coont... speakin' of which, you've got a tumour up ya box an' it's serious. We're takin' you back to England to mek sure we can drain every last penny from you...
Jade : FFFFUUUUUUUUUUU..........
SONG :Cudda, Shudda, Wudda gone for a Smear Test
[SCENE 7]
Jades Funeral
After months of public torment, Jade finally passes away, ironically in what would appear to be a final kick in the chuff, on Mothers Day. Millions of fans turn up at her funeral but unfortunately no Muslim Extremists are able to manage a final suicide bombing, failing to see the perfect time to clear up a whole side of society that couldn't be more deserving.
SONG :Why no C4 for the C4 Whore?
The curtains drops with the following image printed on it :
[FIN]
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haha
What a brilliant post!
Nice work again.
What's set you off on this streak? Maybe you could pass on the secret to the rest of us...
I have to admit I laughed when I saw the footage of her in the Bigg Boss house when she got told she had cancer - still being in the middle of my own party with the big c I thought I was allowed; in retrospect I was a little harsh. The poor idiot had no idea what it meant; and I can't fault her for how she acted afterwards - she had to make as much money as she could for her kids so fair play on that.
Having said that though she was a fuckwit and Parky was cock on. The girl was a moron and milked it for all it was worth, the real tragedy is that she somehow made a full-time living out of this.
Cheers guys!
Dunno whats got the fire in my belly roaring again... stresses of work and life I guess, just felt I needed to get a few posts out before I exploded... :)
I steered clear of the whole karma vs Jade thing whilst it was going on... it was a little tender even for me, but now they're seemingly milking it for every penny, even after her death, I felt the topic was fair game...
Getting higher and higher....
TEMPTATION!!!
Man I was so close to the whole karma vs Goody rant, peeps. I was gonna throw it into a 'karma based' post including Kerry Katona going bankrupt which happened around the same time Goody got her diagnosis.
I do understand, however, that "the big C" affects a lot of us and I didn't want to (non-intentionally) upset any of my own.
I am however, and always will be, sickened and furious that Goody used her iminent death as a basis for money making!
I would NEVER have gone near her in a sexual manner but i'd loved to have given her a good old cylops up her baldy slap fore-head!!!!!
Have fun in hell Goody, ya wank piece!
Kudos on the post delly, many kudos indeed.
(still catching up with last
(still catching up with last 2 months)
Comedy gold you got there. Excellent work. Though missed out the bit in big brother when she got nekkid on camera in front of the others... rolls and rolls of chubb if I recall correctly
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