Well I make no apologies for diving right in here with my first post but I'm a long time reader, first time writer. Part Troll you might say. By horse hatred I mean the dumb, 4 legged smelly cunt type, not the writer Horse of this site too, he’s actually quite funny. ;)

Where did my hatred for horses begin? Probably the second I was born. But seriously why anyone would want to do anything but head butt a horse? Do you not have eyes? Do you not have a sense of smell? Can you not hear their retarded neighing? Even without one of these senses surely the other two, in their heightened form, make you want to take a pair of nunchukas and get Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon on its ass?!

Before I get drawn into a dissertation entitled "Why Genocide is the ONLY answer for the horse population" I'll start with my first post about something I thought could be super awesome but turned out to be a bag of horse shit. It is Horse Life DS for the Nintendo DS.

I mean look at this picture. At first you might think "hey, she's just kissing her precious horse" but the symbology it there. Shes got her hands cups behind its disgusting fucking teeth, drawing the horses long fucking face in for a head butting! Looking more closely you can also see she quite obviously has sideburns, making her a definite candidate for being a Scottish woman and what does that mean? Damn fucking right, she's performing a Glasgow Kiss!

So in support of this fine symbology I downloaded the game for testing and evaluation purposes only. Normally I would show my support for this obvious Horse Hatred by going out and snifelling up every copy I can get my hands on but I've been caught out before - I searched High and Low for the My Little Pony Glue Factory for my neice last year, to get he started early, only to find it wasn't a real toy and just some idiots idea of a joke! Horse Hate isn't a joke people!!

So the game starts in the usual manner of asking for a name, but it seems that its some throwback to the 80’s and only accepts 8 characters:

This left me scratching for an appropriate name for our hero, but out of the blue one popped into my head:

More than don’t you think! ;)

Then Patrick Stewart tells me that something wonderful happened last night. A fire in the barn?? A plague of locust rampant in the farm?? What?? Tell me John Luc!

Oh… another smelly cunt of a horse is born albeit a digital one. He needs naming :

Hahahaha - HorseHaterX 1, Stupid Fucking Horses 0

Then, just when you thought horses couldn’t get any gayer :

That’s right, you have to pick stockings for a fucking horse. Hey, asshole, if I wanted stockings on the big, ugly cunt I’d just spray paint them on.

The next screen says I have to wait two years to get my hands on the fucker. Fortunately, thanks to digital magic, this goes in a few nanoseconds and we’re presented by a beautiful field being ruined by our neighing idiot.

Like Nintendogs, you have to whistle to get its attention, but because horses are ignorant fucks, it takes a couple of attempts to get the dopy cunts attention. Eventually, in a leisurely fashion, it trots over and is ready for a slapping.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, you can’t actually slap the horse, and even worse, it seems to be enjoying the vicious swipes I’m making at its face. I’m already thinking of ripping the cartridge out of my DS but I persist.

I bore very easily of having that long fucking face on my screen so move on quickly. The above screen was some light amusement in an otherwise torturous 5 minutes.

So the game moves on to an overview of the farm and all the bullshit that goes with it. The shop doesn’t seem to have any gas masks, which is surely an essential when dealing with horses but whatever. I’m told to do some basic training.

First thing is riding and I get to kick the horse for the first time. Unfortunately my persistent tapping doesn’t repeated boot the fucker in the ribs and the gluebag only has 3 speeds. I leave the stable disappointed.

Next I’m onto jumping and to what I think is an epic chance to run the idiot into something. How wrong I was :

Nope, the retard runs up to the log and bolts me off… cheeky fucking cunt. I grabbed my DS and started rubbing right, down and down-right then hitting a in the hope my character gets up and dragon punches the mother fucker clean out but no, no such luck.

Patrick also has a bit of a jab at me here. He also goes down on the must dragon punch later list and I move on.

Thus day one ends with a ride through a forest and another attempt to maim our beast resulting in my ass being tossed off again. At the end of the ride I’m presented with a status screen and I realise the only real chance I have of seeing this horse dead is if I allow the horse to get so unhealthy, it keels over. It becomes the new plan.

Again, unfortunately, you’re forced into the stable to feed the fucker first thing:

Looking down Knuckle Sandwich isn’t on the list and I have to feed it straw, leaving me the feint hope of letting it get so dirty and smelly someone mistakes it as dead and takes it to the Glue Factory early. I’m again proved dead wrong.

I’m given a brief outline on how to clean a horse and I’m like “fuck this shit, I’m outta here” but Patrick tells me to avoid the eyes, ears and mouth as :

“Golden” the word you’re looking for.

A few minutes of eye jabbing and I’m bored of looking at the dumb fuck jolt around but come back for more. I’m not even thinking of touching the shitstain, not even digitally on a game for fear of it transmitting its digital AIDs through the stylus and into my hand. I turn the DS off, eject the cartridge and think of snapping my R4 for it polluting even the data bus between itself and the MicroSD card its stored on. I slap myself here just to get me out of the horse hatred trance.

Horse Life DS left a bitter taste in my mouth. So much promise. So much hope. Instead you’re left with a Nintendogs knockoff involving the shittest animal on the planet. It scores, a well deserved, 0 out of 10 for both Horse Hatred, and as a game.

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