Remember kids, smoking kills. Honestly it does. It kills you in really horrible ways, but the odd cheeky woodbine is a nice feeling, so occasionally I wrap myself up in a pre-bus ride warming Marly-light, enjoying the rush of nicotine and boy do I look cool. Like a fat Jimmy Dean. It also makes all the chavs and scummers "respek" me. Innit Blud. I often return this well earned respect by cranking up the volume on my mobile phone's external speaker, which is often playing "Pure and Simple" (by Plopstars winners Hear'Say) on infinite repeat. Only this special "public transport edition" version of the song has vocals which are set at an insanely high pitch (like alvin and the chipmonks), backed by a miserable two-step beat (whatever that is I dunno).

Anyway, while waiting for a bus this week, innocently tucking into my sticks of death, I was startled by a ghoulish apparition. Standing in the shelter, I felt a horrible and malevolent presence. A confusing and incoherent spectre had appeared, it's death-white and blood-red face was pressed tight against my bus-shelter. For a moment I lost my cool. Fortunately I had a camera to capture the startling creature.

And this little fellow is the shelter I was spooked in:

After much pondering and detailed research, I could have ascertained that maybe, according to the law, my bus shelter may or may not be covered or uncovered by (or not by) the smoking ban as follows, if applicable, possibly, for thine is the confusion, the power and the glory for ever and ever, or never I'm not sure, Amen.

Here's how the law applies:

Enclosed and substantially enclosed premises
(2) For the purposes of section 2 of the Act, premises are substantially enclosed if they have a ceiling or roof (check) but there is— (a) an opening in the walls (check); or (b) an aggregate area of openings in the walls, which is less than half of the area of the walls, including other structures that serve the purpose of walls and constitute the perimeter of the premises. (the opening is more than the required) (3) In determining the area of an opening or an aggregate area of openings for the purposes of paragraph (2), no account is to be taken of openings in which there are doors, windows or other fittings that can be opened or shut. (no) (4) In this regulation "roof" includes any fixed or movable structure or device which is capable of covering all or part of the premises as a roof, including, for example, a canvas awning (check).

Well there you go, I wasn't sure that I was breaking a dumb law and killing the innocent or not. It's not quite slicing up pregnant dogs and wringing the necks of the (now newly born) puppies.
No two ways about it. Stitched up like a kipper, officer. It's a fair cop. Looks like it's time for me to "fall down the stairs" at the local cop-shop. So after 3 hours of pondering, missing 17 number 56's, I decided I needed a sit down. And a fag. Like any person who pays their poll tax on time every fucking month, I expect the laws of our fair land to be upheld and policed efficiently and I was horrified at the lack of immediate action taken against me, the criminal. So, being bored, I got to work and called the number to turn myself in. The following is a transcript of my telephone call (really) and my subsequent request for psychological treatment:

"Hello, I'd like to report a smoking offence in a public bus-shelter I witnessed on the (name) road opposite "Select and Save" supermarket on Wednesday 20th February. I was waiting for the number 56 bus and made some brief notes regarding the law-breaker

My observations made it clear that he is a male, 6'4" to 6'6", a thin build; approximately 160 pounds with brown eyes and brown hair and an olive complexion. I think he was approx 50 years old and maybe Saudi Arabian: he definitely speaks fluent Arabic. I also think he is left handed and walks with a cane. I'm sure that this fella is wanted in connection with the August 7, 1998, bombings of the United States Embassies in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and Nairobi, Kenya. These attacks killed over 200 people. In addition, he might be a suspect in other terrorist attacks throughout the world. Something also tells me he may be using aliases like; Usama Bin Muhammad Bin Ladin, Shaykh Usama Bin Ladin, The Prince, The Emir, Abu Abdallah, Mujahid Shaykh, Barry Bethal and The Director

I hope that this helps and should you wish to get in contact with me for further information, please visit www.ohforfuckssake.com.
Just one more thing: Don't have nightmares".

(you bunch of fucking nazi cunts)

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