I don't know who it was, but I once met a very stupid person who said to me "you know what... I don't know anyone that _doesn't_ like Ant & Dec" and I simply got up and walked out the room, tongue bleeding. My head practically exploded. I'm sure it was some kind of early do involving the potential In-Laws and at the time they didn't know I was an angry bastard, so rather than burst into a fit of rage, I simply bottled the comment for later use whilst alone, to punch a wall. I mean seriously, what the fuck!

The cretinous duo have plagued our TVs for over a decade and no-one has ever asked them if they occasionally enjoy a nice bum. Not that it matters, nor is it really any of our business. I just think it might cure some of the obvious on screen tension between the two if they were to, and finally answer the question do Ant & Dec actually bum?

I posed this to the woman, oblivious to whether or not they were indeed pillow biters. She mockingly laughed it off, like I was intentionally trying to make a joke. I wasn't, it was a genuine question. I mean in the last decade my exposure to them has been thankfully limited and in the time since watching Byker Grove and my exposure to whatever piece of shit I watched with her folks, they might have hooked up.

My gaydar was obviously way off as my comments were referred to as stupid, but I continued to delve. I made the mistake of calling the one with the massive forehead Dec, to which my missus pointed out that "they always stand on the same side" so you can work out which is which.

You know who also do that? Couples...

I have a side of the bed. I have a spot on our sofa and she sits on the other side. I have a side of the street I have to walk on when I'm out with her. In the cinema, I always sit on one specific side, which is incidentally the opposite side to our usual sitting arrangement.

She went on to point out another obvious flaw in my logic. Both have had plenty of girlfriends over the years.

You know who else has had lots of girlfriends? Tom Cruise...

Again, I'm obviously way off the mark. She then continued to push me into a pit of stupidity by pointing out both were from Newcastle, the least gay place in the UK. This is true, even if it did host the first Gay Pride Parade and celebrations on July
13th 2008, one of the first to happen in the North East of England.

So I can't quite work it out. Not that it matters, like I've said. I don't hate them because they're (possibly) gay. I hate them because they're annoying douchebags, irrelevant of the fact they may or may not enjoy a game of Hide the Sausage once in a Blue Moon.

If nothing else, in the words of my gran, they're lovely boys...

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